My Spouse Wants To Reconcile But I'm Not Sure I Want To...

Our live caller explains, “I’ve been separated over a year… But now, my husband wants to get back together and work on things. However, there are a lot of things “on my list” that he’s not doing. I don't want to go back and say, ‘Okay, let’s work it out,’ and then fall back and have to separate again.”

Dr. Joe Beam asks, “Why does he say he wants to come back to the marriage?”

Our live caller explains he wants to come back for the kids and for what’s best for him. She also mentions he’s not letting go of past affairs- hiding texts and changing names of people in his phone.

In response, Dr. Joe Beam asks, “Do you still love this guy?”

She says, “I’m trying to find the love to be honest…” Since they’ve been separated, she has worked on herself physically, intellectually, and emotionally. She says she views life positively. At the end of the day, finding love for her husband isn’t the problem as much as trusting him is.

If a person has violated their spouse’s trust and wants to get back together, we recommend accountability. Specifically, making him/herself accountable for a period of time (say, 9 months to a year) where the other spouse has access to everything: finances, communication, location, etc. NOT forever- not putting your spouse under a magnifying glass. The purpose is to rebuild trust.

If your spouse is not ready for this accountability stage, it is most likely not the time for full-fledged reconciliation. The FIRST step of reconciliation is dating- the getting to know one another again. The, “I want to see if I like you,” without super high expectations.

Reconciliation happens in steps. It’s incremental. And, somewhere down the line, you can implement accountability and take the next step together.


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